The Newsletter December 2011

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Subject:  Newsletter

Do I Stay or Leave

What does a woman do when she realizes that her physical and emotional safety, or that of her children, is at risk, not on the streets, but within their own home? What does she do when the danger comes, not from a menacing stranger “out there”, but rather from an intimate partner, her partner, the one she believed would love, honour and cherish her? What does she do when she can't ignore the damage resulting from the vicious and unpredictable verbal and physical attacks he inflicts on her – and on their children? What does she do?

Every woman living in an abusive relationship, must answer this question and a host of related questions as she struggles to deal with her situation. “What do I do? Do I tell my family? Do I tell a friend? Should I call the police? If I call them, what will they do? If I ask for help will it make things worse? Do I give him another chance? Do I pretend it didn’t happen? Do I stay? Do I leave? If I go, where will I go? Will he really hunt me down? Will he really take the kids? How will I support myself? Could I really survive on my own?” And again and again, “how can I possibly stay, but how can I ever leave?”

Every woman living in an abusive relationship must deal with the questions, and every woman living with abuse must find the answers - her own answers.
Women stay in abusive relationships – or leave and return to them - for a variety of reasons. Most would say that they love their partner and that they don't want the relationship to end, they simply want the abuse to stop. And there is often hope that things can be better- his apologies after an incident, his promises that “things will be different” and “it won’t happen again”, the good times when he's caring and considerate and fun. Women often say, “When he's bad, there's no one worse, and when he's good, there's no one better! If we could just keep the good times, it could be great.” It's those extremes in the relationship and the dream of what could be that serve to keep a woman hooked in and hoping, often long after she knows deep down inside that it's never going to be okay and he just won't ever change – no matter how hard she tries, no matter how much she gives or how many times she gives him “just one more chance”.

When the abuse has finally destroyed all hope for the relationship, fear and damage to her self-esteem can keep her there, fear of him and what he will do, fear that he will follow through with his threats, fear of the unknown and of her ability to deal with all the practical challenges. If she leaves where will she go? How will she feed, clothe, house and provide for herself and the children?
When a woman decides to reach out for help, there is almost always a pivotal moment that finalizes the decision in her mind and leads her to take action. For some, it's knowing that she probably won't survive his next assault, for others, it's the terror in their children’s eyes as they cower before him, for others it’s simply the final loss of any remaining love or respect for him. For one woman, it was the day her four-year-old spit in her face and called her a filthy name – just like his daddy - and she saw in that instant the future man he would become if she stayed.
Whatever leads a woman to reach out for help and whenever it happens, it is essential that the help and support she and her children need are readily available. And help is available through the Kelowna Women’s Shelter.

A woman does not have to leave the relationship or involve police in order to access the continuum of services that the Kelowna Women’s Shelter offers. Generally, accessing service begins with a phone call and contact with an Outreach or in-house counsellor who can provide validation, support, information, referrals and help with decision-making and safety planning.
If a woman finds it necessary to leave the relationship, the Kelowna Women’s Shelter provides safe accommodation, including food, transportation and childcare as well as counseling, support, information, advocacy and referrals. Additionally, on-going follow-up supports are available to assist a woman and her children in transitioning to a new life free from abuse.
Abuse is never okay… asking for help is. If you need help or know someone who does, please call the Kelowna Women’s Shelter at 250-763-1040. All services are free of charge and confidential.

 

Taken from Castanet.net

            
                           

All Segments of Society

Imagine rising early to prepare for an important presentation at the office; weeks of effort resting on the quality of this presentation.  Imagine the nervous anticipation, and your desire to present calm, confidence. Now imagine yourself laying out your “power suit” - and beginning to apply the makeup that will cover the bruising on your face and neck as you try to erase the hours-old memory of your partner’s words as his hands tightened on your throat. “You are a worthless, stupid, waste of skin!  I should do the world a favour and kill you right now!”

 Family violence and intimate partner abuse impact families from all segments of society; all socio-economic classes, all educational levels, all races, cultures, and religions.  Family violence and abuse cross all barriers.  This is a statistical fact.  

While we may nod and accept this fact in theory, we generally do not stop to think about what it really means in our society and in our community.  It means quite simply that while family violence happens in basement suites and duplexes and “trailer parks”, it happens just as often in expensive condos and waterfront homes and estate properties.  It means that while perpetrators of abuse may be unemployed, have substance use issues, mental health issues and be poorly dressed, perpetrators of abuse may also be well-dressed, brilliant, high profile professionals with enviable salaries.  They may be respected within the community because of their role as businessman, doctor, lawyer, policeman, firefighter, or clergyman. 

Those who are victims of family violence and abuse, most often women and children, also are representative of all segments of society.  A woman experiencing abuse may be a stay-at-home mom, a golf or shopping friend, a clerk at the grocery store, your real estate agent, a teacher - a brilliant, high profile professional with an enviable salary.

In most cases, no one knows what happens behind closed doors and within those relationships.  Generally, an abusive partner is not abusive or violent outside of the relationship or even all of the time within the relationship. Often, outside of the relationship an abusive partner is charming and personable; a “great guy” who would “give you the shirt off his back” and who is an adept manipulator, easily creating allies.  Women say:  “No one would believe what happens when the door closes. Everyone thinks he’s a great guy.” 

Within the relationship, however, the abusive partner’s behaviours are aimed at establishing and maintaining dominance, power and control over their partner.  This calculated campaign includes a variety of tactics and utilizes a number of forms of abuse or threats of abuse, the specifics of which may vary but which in general, are surprisingly similar regardless of the segment of society to which the partners belong.

Emotional and verbal abuse and blaming are generally the initial and most consistent tactics.  This includes name-calling, put-downs, ridiculing, belittling, demeaning, humiliating, constant accusations of unfaithfulness, raging, and statements of  blame like “If you weren’t so…”, “Well, if you didn’t…” or “If you only…”,  leaving the victim wondering if the abuse really is her fault and if there might not have been something she could have done to prevent it. The tendency is for the victim to cover up or minimize the abuse, to assume responsibility for what happens and to try valiantly to change themselves and their behaviours in an effort to avert future incidents.  In spite of their best efforts, abuse tends to escalate over time, moving from verbal and emotional abuse, to threats and intimidation, to physical assaults, which generally increase in intensity and frequency over time.

Regardless, of race, culture, educational level or socio-economic standing, the dynamics and the impacts of family violence and intimate partner abuse are consistent and the need for an effective response is the same. 

It is essential that we be prepared to see and respond to the reality that family violence and intimate partner abuse may exist - even within the circle of individuals with whom we have consistent contact.  We must not minimize or deny its existence or the far-reaching impacts it can have for those affected.  It is essential that we realize that no segment of society is immune and that each of us can make a difference; by choosing to treat others with respect and kindness, by choosing not to accept abuse within our lives or the lives of our children, by choosing to believe and support those whose lives are impacted by this pervasive issue, by choosing to takea stand and by refusing to accept or condone behaviours that are disrespectful and abusive of others.   

  Together we can make a difference.

as written on

TOTE-AL AWARENESS IQ TEST

1)   The Honeymoon Stage is part of the cycle of abuse?   oTrue    oFalse

2)   An incident is only considered abusive if there’s physical violence?  oTrue          oFalse

3)    Sometimes abuse is the fault of the victim?    oTrue    oFalse

4)   In a healthy relationship, power is shared?    oTrue   oFalse

5)   Women can change their partner’s abusive behavior?                oTrue    oFalse

6)    Sarcasm, withholding affection and the silent treatment are not really abusive?   oTrue    oFalse

7)     The Kelowna Women’s Shelter offers:

o    Help with safety planning.

o     Food, clothing and transportation.

o     Free outreach and follow-up support.

o     Individual & group counselling for residents and non-residents.

o     All of the above.

Answers can be found in our brochure and our website http://www.kelownawomenshelter.ca/

Visit Us on Castanet!

This spring, in an effort to create awareness about the Shelter and our services, we launched a regular column on Castanet, along with a full color ad, in hopes of reaching women who are in abusive relationships.  We also want to educate the community about healthy relationships and discuss issues around domestic violence and abuse.

We have been so fortunate that many of the shelters' supporters decided to sponsor the cost of the ads, and in the first month alone, visits to the 
Kelowna Women's Shelter website, increased by 42%.  The Castanet campaign was a significant driver in this increased traffic.

To get to our column, go to Castanet.net homepage.  Scroll to the bottom of the right hand side of the page, and you will find "Latest Columns".  Under that category you will find our  Logo & Column.
(Shelter Awareness)

A sincere thanks to Castanet and our sponors! 

You are part of our community, that is helping keep women and children safe from abuse.

Abuse is Never OK. Asing for Help is.